4 Nov 2011

Sinking in the rain - A love story

My beloved A.

I'm writing you now, because I don't know when I'll stop being able to write. Everything is changing so quickly. Speaking is already very difficult and most of the words I pronounce sound unintelligible. Vowels, mostly, have disappeared, turned into a confuse almost monotone sound, a babble, an incomprehensible mumbling. I know it's because of the gills. They started growing yesterday night. I thought it was a little wound just behind the ear and at the beginning couldn't understand how I had it (It didn't hurt at all).

After the theatre I didn't want to walk under the rain. But you insisted so strongly  —«I don't want to take a taxy and participate in polluting this world»— I couldn't help accepting your way. I got upset for a little while: it was raining so badly and I felt you were not at all taking into consideration my desire. It was a long walk —let it flow, Emi, i told myself, let it flow, be like water, my friend....— and by the end of it, I had even started feeling comfortable under the heavy rain, wet to the bones.

I was soaked when I arrived home, and I went to the bathroom to take a shower. Under the shower I felt particularly well, at ease (I've possibly never felt like this, and, if I had, I don't remember it): water was like a caress, and I suddenly had the strong desire to be in the hammam, or in a warm, transparent sea. When I left the shower and started drying myself, I suddenly felt a strong sense of oppression in my chest, something like suffocation or anxiety, almost bordering on panic. I had to stop. The towel was soaked, and me too, still. I went back to the shower, regulated the water temperature and rapidly entered again the fluffy, incredibly pleasant feeling I experienced before.

I slept on the shower, on a wet cushion.

The morning dawned rainy. I had a tea, and take the bicycle and cycled under the rain. I realised I couldn't pronounce vowels when I said «gwwd mwrnng» to Antonia, at the reception. She looked at me strangely. Switching on the pc I realised that a little membrane has started growing between each finger. It has a very nice colour, between transparent pink and translucent greenish.

I'd like to see you once more, before I start swimming down the river, to reach the sea.

yours, with love.


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